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People in Austin will tell a Mexican family who has lived on the same street for generations that they're doing their best to "save the neighborhood.

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Photo by Ryan Joy. Why is that cool? How is that more than just a thing? Why should I be excited that some dude made bacon and left it in a bottle of whiskey?

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There are so many "crazy" and "awesome" things in Austin! The taco cannon!

The mustache competition! The pun-off! Everyone is really excited about all of these things.

People are very excited to see horribly self-involved white people tell puns at austin local to fuck bar. That's something you do in Austin; it's part of the scene. Why do you go to the pun-off? austiin

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Because it fits a certain collection of circumstances and idealized cultural values that supposedly makes Austin what it is. By virtue of its fucl perceived audacity, a pun-off, whiskey-infused bacon, or a ratball bad taco somehow austin local to fuck really cool. But fo not keeping Austin weird. You're engaging austin local to fuck this fake, utterly distasteful blend of irony and feigned enthusiasm that will eventually cause the city to self-implode under the density of its own facetiousness.

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Soon you won't be able to identify a single genuine emotion within its borders. You don't actually care about whiskey-infused bacon.

You don't give a shit about whiskey-infused bacon. You're pretending to, because that's what austin local to fuck the whole city from feeling like a big lie. Photo by Maxine Sheppard. April and October are generally pretty nice in Austin, but every other month is either abrasively cold or stupid hot.

You swim through the humidity. It will utterly destroy your ass the second you walk outside.

It gets so hot it will actually stop you from going to shows. Back in we broke a record with more than 69 days with a temperature of degrees or higher.

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That's 69 days. So before you move here, you should probably be aware that any city getting that kind of heat is inherently unholy. Photo by Gina Pina. When ye build a city on the promise of employing austin local to fuck vague Comm-degree'd asshole in America, ye will reap what ye sow. I was recently rejected for a job in Austin that forced me to write a haiku about my feelings in regard to the application process.

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That's what we've loccal in Austin: We've traded our marketable skills for haikus. When you move here you separate yourself from any childhood aspirations and settle down with a job that you're still not sure actually exists. Photo by Flickr user Kirkh. I don't even leave the house during rush hour. It's not worth it. Austin is a small town that's grown way, way faster than its infrastructure allows.

The whole city is networked by dinky austin local to fuck, which means it takes fucking forever to get anywhere, and "anywhere" always austin local to fuck terrible parking.

The dream is that Austin eschews the big-city problems that makes life miserable on the coasts, but in Central Texas, you'll ausitn be spending way austin local to fuck much time sitting in traffic. Hell hath no fury like a bunch of Austin transplants bitching about South by Southwest.

These days their ire austin local to fuck focused more on the F1 races and, more recently, the X Games. It feels like anything cool or interesting happening in Austin is immediately met with local animosity, because fuck anyone excited about your city if locwl makes the JuiceLand line longer. But the thing those people fail to understand is that the only reason they're employed, the only reason they even enjoy living in Austin, is because of austin local to fuck larger corporate interests.

If this were Austin in the 80s, before all the development, you wouldn't have your condo, you wouldn't have your bad boy records mission statement, and you certainly wouldn't have all your favorite restaurants.

The whole anti-corporation thing is a lie. Hosting in redmond or travel loy til 4: Come bring me flowers and chocolate, and tell me how wonderful I am. Then take off my glasses and kiss me.

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See you soon! I will shovel the sidewalk and leave the porch light on.

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